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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24453871">Hook ups, One Liners, and Zingers</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TobiBooneTheSmallSpoone/pseuds/TobiBooneTheSmallSpoone'>TobiBooneTheSmallSpoone</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Blood, Magic and Keyboards [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harley Quinn (Cartoon 2019), Hellblazer, Justice League Dark (2017), Justice League Dark (Comics), Justice League Dark: Apokolips War (2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Blind Date, Double Dick, Double Penetration, Elevator Blowjob, Hook-Up, John is a happy man, King is Adorable, M/M, Online Dating, Two Dicks One Shark, anatomically correct, chat room</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:59:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,821</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24453871</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TobiBooneTheSmallSpoone/pseuds/TobiBooneTheSmallSpoone</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>King finally gets a match on a dating website and he's really excited.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>John Constantine/Nanaue Sha'ark, King Shark/John Constantine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Blood, Magic and Keyboards [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1767814</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>282</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hook ups, One Liners, and Zingers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I am on this hype train so dang hard. I am HERE for canon bisexual representation and double penis having adorable chubby shark boys. </p><p>Coverart because King is adorable.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                                                 </p><p> </p><p>King’s head bobbed as he tapped away on his laptop, “Where you froooom . . . you sexy thing . . . hmm hmm I believe in mhmmmhmmm . . . “ He tapped his foot and was just about to get some serious work done when he heard a *ding* and a notification popped up in the corner of his screen, “Ooh! Kingsy’s goin’ fishin’!” he quickly clicked on it and leaned in eagerly. It was a ‘match’ notice from one of the dating websites he was part of, it been a long shot but Frank kept telling him that if he just put himself out there once in a while, he might find someone! And well . . . there weren’t many people that would date a 2,730 lb shark-man . . . </p><p>King smiled as he pulled up the profile on <em> Blind Dates for Cheapskates </em> (admittedly he’d been very skeptical of this but Psycho insisted it was the best place to meet someone into ‘unconventional love’, whatever <em> that </em>meant), the site didn’t have profile pictures, just descriptions, “Alright, let’s see what we caught!”</p><p>The profile listed a few vague details like ‘magic wielder’ which wasn’t helpful since loads of people used magic, blonde . . . blue eyes . . . cute, ‘likes to drink and play poker’ . . . ooh! Fun! . . . tall for a . . . ‘bloke’? </p><p>“Oh he’s a dude then! Hmm ‘Looking for . . . loose arrangement, very busy, but also lonely and horny’.” King’s cheeks reddened slightly and he smiled wider, “‘Don’t like clubs, prefer quiet drink’, oh good! I don’t club much . . . “ he quickly opened a chat window and started typing, tongue caught in his teeth lightly, “Okay . . “</p><p><b>{Hey there, we matched up, wondering if you wanna meet? ;)} </b>King nodded, “Okay, I made contact, now to wai-”</p><p>
  <b>[Sounds brilliant.]</b>
</p><p>The shark blinked slowly then his smile widened, “Oh ho ho, eager, eh? Okay!” <b>{That’d be great! Where? When? :D}</b> Admittedly the emojis might have been a bit much but he was too excited and interested for more mature communication. That and he was horny too, dammit.</p><p>
  <b>[Bar down street from my place, called ‘Black Box’. 7PM sound good? I’ll send directions.]</b>
</p><p>“Oh my god, oh my god!!” King looked around, “Is no one seeing this??” he glanced around and sure enough except for Harley’s hyenas and Frank the plant, who gave him what might have been the thumbs-up or a rude hand gesture, they sort of meant the same to the plant. King huffed and turned back to the screen, <b>{That sounds awesome, identifier?}</b></p><p>
  <b>[I’ll be the one with a trenchcoat. You?]</b>
</p><p>King sat there for a second, “Oh . . . uh . . . I don’t think putting ‘One Ton shark man’ is gonna be a selling point . . . Oh!” <b>{I’ll be the tallest one in the room, I guarantee it. I’ll find you :3]</b></p><p>
  <b>[Oh? Big boy, are ya?]</b>
</p><p>
  <b>{You could say that, yeah.}</b>
</p><p>
  <b>[Hot. I can host too so that’s not an issue.]</b>
</p><p>
  <b>{Yeah? Awesome cuz I have a bunch of roommates and they are annoying.}</b>
</p><p>
  <b>[Haha don’t worry, I live alone.]</b>
</p><p>
  <b>{Cool! I’ll see you later then!}</b>
</p><p>
  <b>[Brilliant. See ya]</b>
</p><p>King leapt up and threw his arms up triumphantly, “I GOT A DATE GUYS!!”</p><p>“Oooh, nice,” Psycho popped out of nowhere and leaned forward trying to read the screen, “She hot?”</p><p>“Huh? Oh I dunno, it’s that blind date thingy.” King closed the computer and hurried over to dig through a bin of his clean laundry.</p><p>“Oh well bring a condom and a bag just in case, yanno?” Psycho winked and snickered.</p><p>“I’m sure he’s fine, sounds ador-”</p><p>“Wait wait wait, <em> ‘he’ </em>? As in a man?” The diminutive villain hopped down and hurried over, leaning on the bin, “Since when are you gay?”</p><p>“I’m <em> not </em>,” King rolled his eyes but it was more for himself since no one seemed to be able to tell when he did, “I just don’t care, if he’s cute and nice then who ca-”</p><p>“Fine fine but won’t you crush anyone you fuck? I’m surprised you don’t understand my own preference when you’re, well, <em> you </em>.” Psycho cocked his eyebrow.</p><p>“First of all, regular sized women can do a helluva lot if you pull your head outta your ass every once in a while and ask,” King popped up with a clean green polo and black sports coat, “Secondly, there’s more than one way to do things, yanno-”</p><p>“What, you bottom?” </p><p>King blinked and looked at Psycho as he was regarded with less than disguised disbelief and curiosity, the big guy sighed and tilted his head back, “Most people don’t want to because my size, while a godsend in a fight and highly durable, is intimidating.”</p><p>“No. Really?” Psycho snorted, tilting his head back to look King up and Down, “Well if you split his ass open, try not to eat him.” </p><p>“I’ll keep that in mind.” King narrowed his eyes and was about to go get ready when Clayface squelched into sight, “Hey man, you’ll never gu-”</p><p>“Wait, wait, wait, let me try!” Clayface’s visage squished as he thought hard, “Oh! You’ve inherited a new estate and you’re going to view it! No, wait, a funeral, my condolences, old chum, I- No! Even better! You’ve got a job interview!”</p><p>King let the soggy idiot babble away, it was one of his favorite things about Clayface, the way the dumbass would happily go on and on about his characters or plots or screenplays that were going to be ‘the next big hit’. His optimism and excitement always made King feel better, “Not even close, Claydoh! I’ve got a date!”</p><p>“Well Huzzah!” Clayface’s face brightened and he clapped his sludgy hands together, “What do you know of your intended? Is she tall? I’ll bet she is, you’re a large fellow yourself!”</p><p>“I don’t know how tall <em> he </em>is.” King pulled his sweatshirt over his head and sniffed it, wrinkling his nose, “Ooh . . . should have washed this a bit ago . . . oh well. Anyway, it’s a blind date.”</p><p>“Even better!” Clayface smiled widely, “The mystery, the suspense! Oh it’s too delicious to miss out on, let me come wi-”</p><p>“Uh, no, thanks pal, but I think I should-”</p><p>“They won’t even know I’m there! Look, I’ll bring out one of my old personas! How about I start a fight and you can defend your intended’s honor?” Clayface turned into a surly looking drunk man, he even swayed a bit, “I say there, you big fish person, why don’t we take these fisticuffs outside?’ Eh? Eh? Pretty good, yes?”</p><p>King chuckled and shook his head, “While I appreciate the thought, I think I’ll be going this mission alone, thanks anyway Clay.”</p><p>“Ah, well suit yourself but if you need anything just give my cellular a ring!” Clayface waved and wandered off.</p><p>King sighed and went to get a shower and change for his big date.</p><hr/><p>“Okay, trenchcoat, blonde, blue eyes . . . Hmm”  King held a small bouquet as he came to the bar, nervously wiggling a loose tooth with his tongue until it popped out, “Shit, need to calm down! Good oral hygiene makes for good first impression!” He chucked the tooth aside and tongued the space until he could feel a new one dropping in already.</p><p>The bar was overcrowded and the air was filled with smoke but not like cigarette or cigar smoke, but like multi-colored, clearly magic in nature kind of smoke. There were magic weavers, sorceresses, demons, half-breeds . . . really not a bad place! </p><p>King took a seat at the bar and was surprised when it took him a minute or two to get the bartender’s attention, so used to being the most noticeable one, he ordered a Sea Breeze and sipped at it as best he could while he scoped the place out. King had a notion that maybe it would be hard to find his date <em> and </em> he was <em> not </em> the tallest person in the room. “Okay, that is <em> not </em>my fault, I was not aware of the place’s clientele.” He sighed, glancing at the flowers and felt a clench in his guts. Maybe those had been a bit presumptuous, maybe the guy wouldn’t want flowers or would think they were silly, maybe-</p><p>“Pardon me, but I think I’m looking for you.”</p><p>King blinked and looked up from his drink, it was, “Constantine?”</p><p>“King Shark.” John Constantine lit a cigarette and nodded, “Funny seeing you here. Those for me?”</p><p>King blinked and looked at the flowers, his mouth hanging open and he slowly shrugged, “Um, they’re for my date.”</p><p>“Then that’s a ‘yes’.” Constantine sat down next to King and reached for the flowers, “Nice touch, thank you.”</p><p>“Wait, you’re-”</p><p>Constantine snorted, gesturing to himself, “Blonde hair, check. Blue eyes, check. Trenchcoat, check. Looks like I found you.”</p><p>King blinked slowly at Constantine then looked back at the bar, “I . . . guess? So . . . now what?”</p><p>“Well, I figure we get a few drinks in us, you and I talk, and see where it goes.” The blonde human waved for a beer.</p><p>“ . . . you do know I work for Harley, right?”</p><p>“And I dabble about with the Justice League and fuck with demons, so?” Constantine glanced at him as he tipped his stein to his lips, earning himself a foam mustache.</p><p>“But like, villains and heroes aren’t-”</p><p>“Do I <em> look </em>like a bloody hero, Shark?” John tilted his head, pushing his cigarette back in his mouth and holding his beer, “Don’t insult me by lumping me in with those nuts running about with their underwear on the outside of their clothes. Look, do you want to do this or don’t you?”</p><p>There was a pause then King shrugged, “Doesn’t bother you that I’m a-”</p><p>“I’m bisexual.” John said shortly, narrowing his eyes.</p><p>King blinked, “I was <em> going </em>to say ‘doesn’t it bother you that I’m a shark’.” He waved for a beer, kicking it back for a long pull, “I myself don’t discriminate, but I won’t date any more sharks. Screw tha-”</p><p>“You’ve dated <em> actual </em>sharks?” Constantine’s eyebrow rose and he tapped some ash into an unattended drink.</p><p>“Well . . . shark people that were female identifying, yes.” King shrugged and leaned back, “Not many humans can handle all this.”</p><p>Constantine looked King up and down and his ears reddened, “I’m sure . . . “ he leaned back, “Well, anyway, no you being half shark god doesn’t bother me, I’ve fucked a fair few demigods, demons, humans and things in between. I just have one question.”</p><p>“Shoot.”</p><p>John licked his lips and cleared his throat, “ . . . are you . . . “ he shifted and turned on the stool, leaning closer, “<em> Anatomically </em>shark?”</p><p>Shark laughed and turned, putting his elbow on the bar to regard Constantine with a wide smile, “Are you asking about my penises?”</p><p>John’s eyes widened and he smiled, “Plural?”</p><p>“I have two, yes.” King leaned in, “Both work too.”</p><p>John ordered them a round of whiskey sours and a pitcher of beer, they didn’t leave the bar for a while, the flowers were swiped by a woman in a long pink cloak and King was fairly sure someone tried to pickpocket him.</p><p>“So . . . “ Constantine swirled a finger through some water puddled next to his drink, “Shall we go back to my place?”</p><p>King kicked back his drink and smiled widely, “I don’t see why not, I’m in <em> no </em>condition to drive.”</p><p>“Incidentally,” Constantine stood up, stretching his back and rubbing his backside, “If I rub you the wrong way-”</p><p>“Oh please, you’ve been a lot of fun and I’m more than happy to get down and dirty.” King smiled as he wobbled off his stool.</p><p>Constaine’s cheeks flushed slightly and he laughed, “I was actually talking about your skin. Sharks have rough skin.”</p><p>“Oh. Oh!” The shark laughed as he followed the blonde out to the street, “No, It’s just like regular skin.”</p><p>“So if I were to do <em> this </em> . . . “ Constantine ran his fingers up King’s chest just under his mouth, “Hm . . . I don’t know if I want to risk kissing you . . . That’s a lot of teeth . . . “</p><p>King’s skin shivered under the warm fingers and he snorted, “What? You scared I’ll eat your lips because I have <em> never </em>done that. Intentionally. I swear.”</p><p>Constantine leaned up and kissed King.</p><p>The massive shark’s eyes widened and he put his hands on John’s shoulders, pulling him closer. </p><hr/><p>“Is that-”</p><p>“Yeah.” </p><p>“Hoo boy . . . “ Constantine glanced over his shoulder in the small elevator of the building he was currently staying in. He licked his lips and leaned back a bit more, “ . . . both?”</p><p>“Kinda hard to only get one erect.” King said, keeping his head down or risk bashing it into the ceiling of the elevator. He was so hard . . . He was having a difficult time focusing, that much was for sure especially when the insatiably curious Brit kept leaning or rubbing against him.</p><p>“That’s . . . <em>sexy</em> . . . “ Constantine slurred and turned around, hitting  the ‘emergency stop’ button and making the whole elevator shake. He staggered into King and wrapped his arms as best as he could around the shark.</p><p>“Uh, this our stop?” King asked as he watched John slide to his knees, “O-Oh!”</p><p>Constantine was holding onto King’s belt buckle, “Just wanna get a look . . . “</p><p>King slowly tilted his head back as he felt Constantine stroking his fingers down the fly of his slacks and pulled them open, “Uh, just, uh, yanno, don’t be too-”</p><p>“Oh my gods . . . “ Constantine murmured, his eyes wide and shiny, “So, if I was to ask if you can use both at once-”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Hm, gonna be a tight fit!” Constantine quickly pulled King’s left penis out, looking up at King as he slowly licked the pale head.</p><p>King shivered and swallowed, “Oh wow . . . your mouth is <em> really </em>warm.”</p><p>Constantine didn’t answer, his mouth was full, he reached in for the right one and slowly stroked his fingers over it, squeezing at the base then pulling it forward, matching the motion of his head.</p><p>“Oh fuck-” King felt his new tooth popping into place and he groaned softly, “Can you fit both in your- <em> OH FUCK YA CAN! </em>”</p><p>Constantine snorted and choked a little bit as he bobbed his head over both cocks, he couldn’t seem to manage getting them both in past the head, but he was damn sure gonna try it would seem.</p><p>King leaned back against the wall, his dark eyes were glazed over and he breathed out slowly, okay so things were going really well and he sure liked how it was continuing to go, “If you’re hoping for . . . me to keep . . . going . . . you should probably quit.”</p><p>Constantine looked up and smirked around the cockheads then let them drop out of his mouth, “well, wouldn’t want you tip-toeing off to dream land without me, would we?” he leaned over and hit the floor number again as he tucked King back into his pants, albeit with some difficulty.</p><p>King followed John to his apartment and they slammed and locked the door behind them, Constantine flung his coat, tie and shoes by the door and was unbuttoning his shirt as he headed toward the bedroom.</p><p>“Um, so, uh,” King followed too, draping his coat on the back of a chair and fiddling with the hem of his shirt as he came into the bedroom, “I don’t really- oh.”</p><p>Constantine stretched back into the pillows, completely naked, dick hard as his hand stroked over it, “You comin’ or what?”</p><p>King blinked slowly, his mouth open and he carefully picked his way around a few bottles, discarded clothes, papers and wrappers of some kind, “Oh I’m comin’!” He threw his shirt to the side and wrestled his shoes and pants off before crawling on the bed that sagged dangerously under his weight, “O-Oh, uh-”</p><p>“No worries,” Constantine pointed to the floor, “We just put the mattress on the floor. Save my bedframe.”</p><p>King made short work of this then sat next to Constantine, “So . . . how do you want to do this?”</p><p>“Well, I generally will do a bit of dick sucking then spread ‘em wide but, no offense, I really don’t think I want my dick in your mouth.” John pointed at the rows of sharp teeth.</p><p>“Uh, yeah, sorry about that . . . “ King mumbled, rubbing the back of his head, “Honestly, never done that anyway so probably gonna suck at it. Just saying. So you’re probably not missing out.”</p><p>“Salright, I’ll suck enough dick for the both of us!” Constantine smirked at his own joke then scooted closer, his fingers sliding up Shark’s thighs.</p><p>“Enough for- oh! Because I have two- <em>Hello</em>!” King’s eyes widened and he leaned back into the pillows, watching the blonde man stroke his dicks while sucking the heads, “Mm that feels good . . . “</p><p>The spellweaver smirked, eyebrows rising slightly while he reached between his own legs for his erection, squeezing the head lightly and pushing the foreskin down.</p><p>King nudged Constantine around until he was on his back, “So, did you prep or . . ?”</p><p>“Pull the plug and find out.” Constantine murmured, still stroking his own cock as he pointed down between his legs past his balls, his face was flushed and his eyes heavy-lidded.</p><p>King worried at his lip as his fingers ran down Constantine’s front, feeling the muscles twitch under his touch and the bit of blonde body hair was nice, down to his hip then to wrap around Constantine’s cock, working the shaft slowly.</p><p>John hissed in a breath and let his head flop back, “Nothing like being with someone that knows how to handle you . . . “ He closed his eyes and sighed, “That’s . . . very nice . . . “</p><p>The massive shark fondled Constantine’s cock and balls a bit more before his thumb slipped down and came in contact with the blunt end of a buttplug, “You meant <em> literally </em> pull the plug, I get it!” He chuckled and got a good grip on the thing before slowly easing it out, rubbing it in a circular motion inside Constantine then easing it out all the way.</p><p>Constantine’s toes curled and he moaned softly, “Ngh! Oh, those’ll fit in there alright!” his hand worked more steadily at his cock, panting as he bit his lip.</p><p>"... Nanaue."</p><p>"Eh?" Constantine looked up.</p><p>"My name, its Nanaue." Kong said softly, looking up from sliding a finger in and around the edge of John's gape.</p><p>"Alright Nanaoo- Nanauah- sorry how do you…?" John squirmed and closed his eyes.</p><p>"My mom called me Nana if that's easier." King chuckled, leaning in to kiss and very gently scrape his sharp teeth over Constantine's left nipple.</p><p>"S-Sounds good, you can call me John then." John breathed in sharply, "Oh lord!"</p><p>King smiled, rubbing their noses together as he slotted John's cock between his two and rubbed them together, "I haven't had a lot of sex with humans but you're so… <em> warm </em>." He blushed as precum slipped out of his penises, trickling along with John's own.</p><p>John smirked and scooted back a bit, he pushed his index fingers into his hole and spread himself, "Even warmer in here, love."</p><p>King felt drool drip down his chin as John's scent hit him and he arched his back a bit, he scooted closer again and eased the left cock in. He situated the right one along side John's and started to thrust, "ooh even with that plug you are <em> tight, </em> John!"</p><p>"That's just- ah! -me squeezing- oh <em> fuck </em> ! -you!" John thrust down on King's penis then let out a shuddering breath as his cock rubbed King's other one, "oh my fucking- <em> ah </em>Haha! -Nana you're cocks are- hnngh! -s-so good!"</p><p>King planted his hands on the mattress and started to really pound into John, watching all the expressions crossing the human's face with unbridled enthusiasm, he kissed John's sweaty forehead and rubbed his nose along the blonde hair, scenting it as he went, "Ready for the other one? Mr. Right?"</p><p>John snickered and leaned up, wrapping his arms around King's neck, one hand idly stroking down to the shark's dorsal fin, "I'm ready."</p><p>"Okay!" King smiled and shifted back a bit, held both his cocks and eased them in. The heads slipped in and John cried out, his toes spreading and his eyes squeezed shut, "You okay?" </p><p>John nodded, his eyes watering and sweat beaded his forehead, "I-... I came."</p><p>Kings eyes widened and if he had eyebrows, they'd have shot to his also-nonexistent hairline, "Y-You did? They weren't all the way in."</p><p>John grimaced then snuggled into King, "I still want you to fuck me." He shifted lower on the shark's cocks and gasped, "if you're up to it."</p><p>"Oh I'm up for it!" King shifted again, "here let me do something." He sat up and pulled John into his lap, he held the human against his chest and eased the tips of his penises in, "is that alright?"</p><p>John blinked at King and nodded, "uh, y-yeah." His cheeks flushed and he put his head down on Kings belly, nuzzling it with his cheek, his eyes shut as the cocks slid up into his stretched ass, "<em> a-aaha! </em>"</p><p>"Just let me know if I hurt you." King murmured, holding the small hips in his hands and easing them further down.</p><p>"I've had worse." John mumbled, his eyes rolling up in their sockets.</p><p>"Not the- <em> holy M- tight!- </em> point, if you bleed- fuck, do that again- yesss!! -i could lose control… I don't want to hurt you." King grimaced apologetically and thrust up as he felt himself getting close thanks to the alcohol and he'd been ready since the bar.</p><p>John smiled blearily up at King, "I g-get it." He closed his eyes and moaned softly, tucking his face back into Kings belly, "oh my god that's <em>amazing</em>…"</p><p>King leaned forward and got on his knees, still holding the small human against his body while he thrust faster and harder, "Oh fuck oh <em> ffffuck </em> ! This- ah! -is the best- oh my fucking- day of my- <em> jesus titty fucking christ </em>!!" King got on all fours and thrust John into the mattress, his cocks swelled and his orgasm rolled over him like a tidal wave. He could hear a rapid heartbeat and when he looked down, John was writhing and coming again, his stomach a bit distended as he was filled.</p><p>John flopped on the bed and groaned, "holy… fuck… that was … amazing and ... much needed …"</p><p>King helped John to the bathroom then back to bed, "so I'll, uh… see you around?" King asked looking for his shirt then saw John had put it on, "I need that."</p><p>"I'll give it to you in the morning." John dug about under the bed until he produced a cigarette and lit it, "come to bed, love."</p><p>King blinked in surprise, "o-oh you want me to sta-"</p><p>"Sorta what I said, i'nn't?" John blew a coil of smoke and patted the bed, "C'mere, Nana."</p><p>King smiled and crawled over to snuggle John, he watched the smoke coil to the ceiling while John smoked, "okay but fair warning, I <em> do </em> snore."</p><p>"I'm a deep sleeper. Alright now <em> how </em> do you pronounce your first name?"</p>
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